


Terms Of Affection And Annoyance

by Aeshna_cyanea



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Lucifer-ness, Maze is nobody's Baby, possibly crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 03:29:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10845555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aeshna_cyanea/pseuds/Aeshna_cyanea
Summary: Lucifer annoys Cloe with his Lucifer-ness and pisses off Maze with cutesy endearments. Hilarity ensues.





	Terms Of Affection And Annoyance

With a sigh, Chloe slapped Lucifer's hand away from the stapler for the third time in fifteen minutes. Shooting him a pointed glare, she took the stapler and moved it well out of range of her annoying partner, just as she had previously done with her desk phone, her private mobile, and the container full of paperclips.  
  
Lucifer's only reaction was to give her a completely false look of wounded innocence, and then lean back in the visitor chair with his arms crossed and a pout worthy of any toddler on his face. Chloe just rolled her eyes and went back to filling out the paperwork which needed to be done to complete their latest case.  
  
She knew he hated having to deal with the administrative side of police work, but today his behavior was worse than usual. He was acting more hyperactive than her daughter at the peak of an epic sugar high - thanks, Maze, for taking Trixie on a sponsored shopping spree to a candy store - and Chloe was rapidly reaching the end of her patience. He had been extremely annoying the whole week: aggravatingly cheerful, constantly distracted, even more prone than usual to making inappropriate comments and sharing way too much information about his recent exploits, sexual and otherwise.  
  
While she didn't know the exact details, Chloe was well aware of the reason for this change in behavior. Something had happened between Lucifer and Mazikeen, something that had put him in an exceptionally good mood. When, in a moment of supreme exasperation, she had asked him for the reason for his cheerfulness, he had told her that they had kissed and made up. _'And when I say 'kissed', detective, I mean kissed absolutely everywhere, and done quite a bit more than that, too. I can give you a detailed account, if you'd like.'_ After that bit of TMI, Chloe had refrained from asking any more questions.  
  
To Chloe's dismay, Lucifer was not the only one whose mood had been affected by the recent developments. In her own way, Maze was just as annoying as the self-proclaimed devil, if not more so. While she did not go around being insufferably bright and cheerful, she now carried an air of smug self-satisfaction about her whenever Chloe encountered her, like the cat that had most definitely gotten the prized canary. It never failed to set the detective's teeth on edge and made her want to punch the other woman.  
  
With some effort, she dragged her mind back to the paperwork in front of her, only to notice out of the corner of her eye that Lucifer had found a pen somewhere and was doodling on one of the reports. Shooting him a death glare, she pulled the pen out of his hands and shut it away in her desk drawer. Then she picked up the report to see if perhaps she could still hand it in despite the doodles.  
  
One look at Lucifer's handiwork was enough to make her blush deeply. Those were not random doodles. The drawings were most definitely X-rated. She would have to redo the report. Any attempt to hand it in like that was guaranteed to result in a sexual harassment claim from the admin staff.  
  
She turned back towards her partner, prepared to tell him off for ruining the report, but when she looked at him he was staring off into the distance, completely oblivious to her. For the first time since they started working on the paperwork, he wasn't fidgeting in his chair. He sat perfectly still, holding his mobile phone in one hand but not playing with it. A smile was on his lips and there was a distracted, almost slightly glazed look in his eyes that told her he was off somewhere in fantasy/memory land again.  
  
She gritted her teeth and turned back to the report she was working on. If she pulled him out of his daydreams to tell him off, he would almost certainly resume his various annoying and distracting activities. This way at least she would be able to work in peace for a little while. Chloe just hoped that his reverie would last until Maze got there to pick him up. She overheard him calling the other woman earlier and knew Lucifer had asked her to come get him out of what he termed 'paperwork hell'. After his behavior in the last half hour, Chloe was actually looking forward to Maze's arrival.  
  
****  
  
Lucifer was bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored. As much as he enjoyed working with the detective, he hated the administrative side of police work with a passion. Whoever had come up with all these stupid, pointless forms that needed to be filled out to complete a case deserved the worst punishments Hell could offer. All this paperwork was torture, pure and simple. If he didn't know better, he'd have thought it had been invented by some of the more sick and twisted denizens of Hell as an instrument to inflict a particularly nasty punishment on damned souls. He really hoped Maze would arrive soon and rescue him from this Hell on Earth.  
  
The thought of his demon made him smile as he absently picked up a pen and started drawing on some paper that lay on the detective's desk. They had really enjoyed themselves last night, having a little private party up at the penthouse with a dozen or so select guests. Of course the humans had eventually all slept the sleep of the thoroughly shagged and/or drugged out, and so Maze and he had been the only ones who had greeted the new day with a leisurely fuck out on the balcony, just as the sun rose over the horizon.  
  
Lucifer was dragged out of his pleasant memories by the detective practically ripping the pen out of his fingers and shooting him a death glare which he shrugged off with practiced ease. She locked away the pen and then took away the paper for good measure. He smirked when she took a glance at his work and her face promptly turned scarlet.  
  
Really, you'd think that someone who had given birth to a child would be a little less flustered by the depictions of human bodies engaged in perfectly natural activities. After all, the production of offspring did prove that she was no stranger to those activities. Of course, she had produced said offspring with the Douche, who struck Lucifer as someone who probably only did it in the dark, under the covers, and who lacked the knowledge and skills to truly satisfy a woman.  
  
A buzzing in his pocket pulled Lucifer's attention away from speculating about Detective Douche's lack of sexual prowess. He got out his mobile and found a text message from Maze, informing him that she would be there in about five minutes. Finally. He wondered briefly if his demon had taken her sweet time in getting here as payback for him teasing her over breakfast by calling her various nicknames which she deemed unacceptable. He knew of course that she despised any sort of sweet or cute endearment. It was the main reason why he called her those things. Pissing off Maze usually led to great angry sex, and he could never get enough of that.  
  
Right on cue the office door flew open, revealing an annoyed looking Mazikeen, dressed to kill as usual in tight black leather pants and a form-fitting dark red top, heeled boots and a black biker jacket decorated with strategically placed chains. She strutted into the room as if she owned the place, easily drawing the attention of most of the cops present.  
  
With a grin, Lucifer got up and started to approach her, dropping his phone on the detective's desk without really noticing.  
  
"Maze! My lovely, beautiful darling. Have you come to rescue me from paperwork Hell?"  
  
Maze reacted with a growl. "Lucifer..."  
  
The warning in her tone was unmistakable, and Lucifer noticed how several of the cops in the room tensed up slightly at hearing it. His demon was definitely annoyed. Far from making him back off or proceed with caution, it only spurred him on. He was the devil, after all, and he loved to play with fire.  
  
"Yes, my sweet?" He asked with fake concern, smiling innocently.  
  
"Lucifer!" Oh, Maze was absolutely seriously annoyed now. Just one more little push...  
  
"What is it, Baby?"  
  
Almost instantly, he realized that this time, he had gone too far, and not in the fun way. His demon gave a snarl and started stalking towards him with murder in her eyes. A flicker of movement drew his attention down to her side for a moment, and he saw with alarm that she was now holding one of her demon knifes in her right hand. Out of the corner of his eyes, he saw several of the cops getting ready to intervene, only for the Detective to motion frantically at them to stay out of it.  
  
Raising his hands in a defensive gesture, he walked backwards, trying to keep some distance between Maze and him.  
  
"Whoa there, Maze. Put away that demon dagger. Please."  
  
His demon's only reaction was to glare even harder at him as she continued her advance. His retreat was stopped by his back hitting a wall. A mixture of fear and arousal shot through him as Maze moved right into his personal space. She kept the hand with the demon blade down by her side, but her free hand shot up and wrapped itself around his throat, pinning him in place. Lucifer was tempted to look around and see how their audience was reacting to this, but he kept his attention firmly on the woman before him. He knew that to do otherwise would be a fatal mistake, probably literally.  
  
Leaning in so close their lips were almost touching, Maze hissed at him, "Lucifer. If you. Ever. Call me that again, your wings will no longer be the only appendages of yours I've cut off."  
  
The flat side of her demon dagger scraping against the zipper of his pants left no doubt which appendage of his she was threatening. Lucifer swallowed hard.  
  
"And the same goes for any other sweet, cutesy stuff you can come up with, so do not try to get clever. Is that clear?"  
  
The devil's voice was rough as he answered, "Crystal. Message received and understood, Maze. No more cutesy nicknames for Hell’s best torturer."  
  
She gave him a truly malicious smile. "Good. I'd hate it if there were any misunderstandings between us on this subject."  
  
Once again, Lucifer felt the flat side of the demon blade press against his zipper, and the burgeoning erection beneath it. The smile on Maze's face turned into a smirk, making it clear that she had noticed his reaction. Of course, his demon knew him well enough to know exactly what her little display would do to him, even without his body providing the physical evidence.  
  
The next moment, she had turned around and stepped away from him, leaving him feeling oddly bereft. He took a few seconds to try to compose himself, and then approached her cautiously once more.  
  
"Maze?"  
  
She turned her head back to him and raised a questioning eyebrow. The look on her face warned him to be extremely careful what he said next.  
  
"I'm still allowed to call you darling, right?" The question came out much more tentative than Lucifer liked.  
  
Maze scowled at him. "If you absolutely must. But don't overdo it. And none of that other cutesy shit."  
  
He smiled in relief. "Of course. I promise I'll behave from now on."  
  
Both Maze and Detective Decker gave identical snorts of disbelief at the same moment. Lucifer turned his head back and forth between them, staring at both incredulously.  
  
"Now that is just plain creepy."  
  
Maze just smirked, but the detective looked almost as disturbed as Lucifer felt. However, she was not the one who actually voiced her agreement.  
  
"Yeah, no kidding."  
  
The words came from Detective Douche. He had his usual disgusted look on his face, but this quickly changed to an expression of alarm when Maze turned towards him with a smirk.  
  
Seeing the look on her face, Lucifer decided it was high time they left. He stepped up to her side and put a hand on her shoulder to catch her attention.  
  
"Let's get out of here. There are much better ways to spend the rest of the day than hanging out with L.A.'s finest."  
  
Thankfully, the look Maze shot him in reply was more amused than irritated, and after giving the Douche one last evil smirk, she turned away and left the room without any further comment. Lucifer lost no time following her.  
  
****  
  
The moment the door closed behind the two hellions, Chloe put her elbows on her desk and let her head fall into her open hands. Not for the first time, she wondered what she had done to deserve being saddled with Lucifer as a partner, conveniently ignoring the fact that she had chosen to work with him.  
  
Around the room there were sighs of relief and nervous laughter as the tension slowly drained away. Looking up again, she caught several colleagues giving her sympathetic glances. Others were already turning back to their work now that the excitement was over. Gradually, the sounds of normal work resumed.  
  
"So, that was Lucifer's bodyguard?"  
  
Chloe turned and saw that the speaker - one of the other male detectives, who was a sort-of friend of Dan - had addressed not her, but her ex-husband. Dan nodded emphatically. "Yeah."  
  
"Damn. You weren't kidding when you said she was scary." The guy looked impressed. Then a leer spread over his face. "I bet she's a demon in the sack, though."  
  
Before either Chloe or Dan could reply to that, a very familiar voice broke in, positively purring. "Oh, you have no idea."  
  
Lucifer was once again in the room. He grinned at the detective, who got visibly flustered, and then sauntered over to Chloe's desk. There, he picked up his phone, waving it briefly at Chloe before slipping it into his pocket.    
  
"Now, much as I would love to discuss Maze's many great qualities with you all, I'm afraid I must leave you. Patience is unfortunately not one of her virtues."  
  
As if she had just waited for her prompt, the woman's voice could be heard shouting, "Lucifer! Move your ass, or I'm going to take the Corvette and go for a little joyride without you!"  
  
That wiped the grin off the devil's face. "Maze! Don't you dare!"  
  
The only reply he got was decidedly mocking laughter.  
  
"Mazikeen!" With that, Lucifer practically ran out of the room.  
  
Chloe once again put her head in her hands and cursed the day she met the devil. He may be the best partner she ever had, but he was going to drive her completely insane one of these days.


End file.
